Never love a mermaid;
She'll rip you into two.
To great white sharks and kraken
She'll feed the lower you.
Then with her magic music
She'll lull you into sleep,
And when you wake
You'll find a tail
Instead of legs and feet.
You will never walk again
Or live again on land.
You'll follow her throughout the deep,
A slave to her demands.
And when she's bored and tired of you
She'll pull out your tail
Force it onto someone new
And leave you there to flail.
To the ocean floor you'll sink
With only half of you,
Still thinking of the mermaid
Who ripped you into two.
I guess for whatever reason "A slave to her demands" seemed like a sort of off-line to me (even though it pairs nicely with "land")--I think the term "slave" was it (even though it makes sense context-wise and meaning-wise and all that, it's a sound thing for me). I'm not sure exactly what to do about it, but personally that was the one word that just sounded a little...out of place, sound-wise.
"And bow to her demands"? "And bow at her command"?
And then again it could just be me.
And thanks for the suggestion. I don't know if I'm going to change it yet; I'll have to give it some thought. (And maybe say the poem out loud for a few times.)
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Thanks, Gnomey! Your appreciation means a lot.